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From an anonymous fan

Mr Keane. I’m interested in your view as to why the ownership of our Manchester United Buccaneers team has produced so much anger in the fans?

Has it not been under the Glazers’ exemplary stewardship of the business, I mean the club, that we have achieved such unrivaled success? Did we not win the UK bowl three years in a row? Did we not also win the World Series?

As a former quarterback of the mighty devils, and an expert in anger management, your opinion on how these, I mean, how us fans think would be very welcome. Go team Go!

Anonymous fan?

Who do you think you are kidding Malcolm? Your email’s IP address is the same as the email I received from you previously, when you sent me that fecking bill for 37p for the use of the Carrington water cooler in 2005.

I’ve just about managed to calm down since then, and as I’m duty bound to honour my commitment to this column, sure enough I’ll give you my view as to why the world at large thinks you’re a Mick McCarthy class fecker.

Now I might not be the most loved fella in the world Malcolm, but by Jesus compared to you’s, I’m positively mother Theresa’s apple crumble.

How comes? Well, we’ve all read the articles and heard the arguments about the root of your astonishing unpopularity. However, I think we’ve overlooked one vital factor that transcends all the valid points made previously e.g. debt, ticket prices, transfer funds etc.

Malcolm, I think the sheer scale and ferocity of the hatred towards you can be attributed largely to the unfortunate fact that you look like a mischievous thieving Leprechaun.

We’re not talking the pot of gold charming fecker kind that you read about in fairytales. I am talking the evil ginger bearded gold toothed alcoholic type you associate with cold turkey hallucinations.

Had you been a charming fecker like that Blair fella, or maybe a pretty Page 3 type lassy, then we’d have forgiven you a long time ago. “Aye, he may be pillaging our club, but he’s a good looking fella that Malcolm.”

That is not the case, and unfortunately for you, being the devious looking ugly fecker type has done you no favours in your quest to be loved while you ransack the club we love so dearly. Fair dues to you, it’s a tricky balance I must admit.

Evil Leprechaun | Malcom Glazer

Now no need to lose heart here Malcolm, for like anything, there’s still hope in getting the fans onside.

Firstly shave the beard, then cull the number of kids to two (you can keep Edward and Darcie but six kids just emphasises the evil cartoon character persona plaguing you)

Most importantly, you need to sell United back to the fans, at a discount. If you follow my advice and repent, then you’ll be alright by us!

Actually I’m just fecking with you, there’s really no snowball’s chance in hell they’ll ever forgive you; not even if you turn your debt laden attentions to Liverpool.

RK

Dear Roy – Hope you’re enjoying Suffolk and the dogs are well. I’m sure you’ve figured out why I’m writing after all these years. Losing to Leeds has truly shocked me. For once I am questioning the strength of my anger towards the team. That’s why I’m writing to you, my most trusted Lieutenant, for that honest advice you are so open to giving.

Alex,

Firstly, I accept your apology and admission that booting me out in 2005 was your greatest mistake. Now, let bygones be bygones as I am not one to hold a grudge.

Now Alex, I think you are right to be feeling this anger towards your team. Coming to me was the right thing to do, as blind rage is an area I have studied in great detail.

Firstly, you should not hold your anger inside; it’s unhealthy. Simply let it rip in no uncertain terms like a crazed dog on speed. It’s therapeutic.

Feel free to tell all those quitters around you that they’re not fit to wear the shirt, and that they’re a bunch of prawn munching pampered Dublin softies, or words to that effect.

Secondly, focus your retribution on key areas. Now far be it from me to point at fellow professionals, but a few home ‘truuts need to be told here.

Alex, what the feck is this fella Berbatov all about? I’ve seen more effort in a sloth, and more heart in an artichoke. It makes me angry just thinking of him wearing the red shirt. Make an example of him. No not another boot in the face, this time, simply make the ta’sser practice the old 50/50 sliding tackle drill with the Carrington lawnmower; that’ll teach him to shirk a challenge, and make sure this is done in front of the whole team, every day for a month. Once that’s done, sell him in the summer…to Ipswich

And as for that Scouse midget, well how comes you’re suddenly all soft on him? Is it because he’s free Alex? Or is it because of the horse thing? Well whatever the reason, stop being soft and bin him. He’s not good enough for Liverpool, he definitely not good enough for United. Again, if you need a favour, I’ll take him off your hands.

Now, for the rest of those pansies, well a good old fashioned 24 hour ice bath, followed by a spell in Accrington Stanley reserves, culminating with a team trip down Leeds high street with no security, in full United colours, should do the trick.

Remember Alex, anger is good, but rage is what gets the job done. It maybe unfashionable these days, but give me a cattle prod over a sports psychologist any day of the week. Best of luck to you.

So reader, if you find yourself in need of advice, Roy here will be only too happy to give you some of my good old fashioned guidance.

RK