Hello fans.
Many of you have read the news reports about me running away from Bulgaria’s number one gangster, Boris Hitmanovski. This is not true.
I did not run, and never let it be said that Berba is a runner!
The truth is I was airlifted, and I must take this opportunity to thank the S.A.S. for escorting me so safely from Bulgaria directly to the panic room of my high security Cheshire mansion.
This type of fleeing from people trying to kill me is a regular event in my life. Fans, you will be amazed to hear that some people do not love me as you do, and wish to harm me. No, I am not talking about jealous ex-lovers or Carlos Tevez. I am talking about the Mafia.
This is why escaping organised crime has become a key skill of mine, and an important habit of successful people like me. Habit #6: Mafia Dodging
Left: Hitmanovski Facebook Profile - Right: Berbatov Mafia Dodging
In today’s world, it seems that sleeping with a criminal warlord’s wife, in his house, in his bed, wearing his pyjamas, is considered an act Hitmanovski is not prepared to forgive me for.
Even after kidnapping my pet rabbit Carlos, and selling him to a circus run by gypsies touring the Belgian countryside, he still does not see us as quits.
Well what can I do?
I certainly cannot spend my life hiding in my panic room, mainly due to my commitments to being in public places such as football stadiums and awards ceremonies.
So I have hired a discreet team of ex-KGB mercenaries that shadow my every move. This protection team also includes 37 Dobermans, an Apache attack helicopter, and a direct line to launch the USS Eisenhower’s first strike attack squadron.
All these subtle measures have ensured that I am safe in leafy Cheshire, while allowing me to lead a normal life like everyone else, safe from underworld harrassment.
Berbatov with Discreet ex-KGB Team
So fans, if you find yourself tweaking the nose of a notorious crime lord, forget the old Italian saying: “You must keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” and remember Berba’s more effective Bulgarian motto: “Keep your friends close enough to shield you from a bullet, and make sure your enemies can only get to you through your pets.”
Goodbye and Good Mafia Dodging