The Glazers’ Hedge

At the secret Glazer family money bank, Joel, Bryan and Avram proudly toast inking their latest commercial partnership. Joel strokes his wad as Avram preens, proudly sporting a freshly waxed pony tail. Bryan, known as the ‘fun one’, is busy celebrating United’s latest success by polishing his tractor.

BRYAN
Ahh “George Osborne: The official partner of The Glazer’s money bank,” is there anything my man Ed can’t sell?

AVRAM
There’s something called a “Fellaini” that’s apparently proving to be a difficult asset to monetize.

JOEL
Can a “Fellaini” not be leveraged with any potential commercial partner?

BRAYN
That Dutch guy, Lewis van Gogh, says he’s tried. Say, what does he do anyway?

(Joel and Avram’s ponytail shrug.)

JOEL
Something about philosophizing Eddie says. He’s seen the clipboards, they all have the same thing scribbled on them. “I am a horny genius”.

(Suddenly, Avram’s ponytail starts to flail wildly.)

AVRAM
There’s an incoming message. Jack me in to the nearest computer.

(Joel leaps into action booting up the family’s Wang computer. Twenty minutes later…)

BRYAN
I told you we should have bought an Amstrad!

JOEL
But I liked the name…*hehehe* Wang.

(Avram is connected to the computer. His eyes light and displays a holographic message.)

BRYAN
The Kroenke Cannons…

JOEL
You mean Arsenal.

BRYAN
I have an ointment for that condition. Anyway they’ve been knocked out of the Emirates FA Cup by Waterford! Do you know what that means? If our soccer team wins….

BRYAN, JOEL and AVRAM
Then our sponsor will have their name on the FA Cup!

BRYAN
That’s how it works right?

AVRAM
Yeah, totally. Arsenal won it last season and look what happened.

JOEL
Think about it: “The Chevrolet FA Cup.”

BRYAN
I can see that name ‘driving’ up ‘REV-enue!’

AVRAM
Oh Bryan you were always so good with money based puns!

(They all forget to laugh.)

BRYAN
Quick, let’s call Ed!

(In his Old Trafford office Ed Woodward is busy wrapping up a blockbuster deal for Manchester United.)

ED
So Mr Al-Khelaifi, if I knock down the Eiffel Tower and build in its place a statue of Zaltan i-Brahimovic then he will sign for Manchester United? Really? You sure? Really sure? Oh and you want £20 million plus a chocolate bar too? Hmm you drive a hard bargain but…okay done! Dare to Zaltan!

(Ed slams his phone down in triumph.)

ED
Still got it Woo’war’-san!

(Ed’s phone rings. It’s his favourite people in the whole world, the brothers Glazer.)

ED
Bry, Avie, Jo-jo lay it on the Woo’war’ baby.

JOEL
Ed, Avram’s ponytail had a great idea. Actually, it was more of a euro-reka moment from all of us.

ED
Euro-reka? Ha! The Woo’war’ likes your thinking. You do mean the currency and not the Europa League, right?

BRYAN
What’s this Europa you speak of?

ED
It’s a concept album by U2. Never you mind, what’s your idea?

AVRAM
We want Lewis van Gogh to win the FA Cup.

ED
Since when did you become interested in football?

JOEL
When did you?

ED
The Woo’War’ asked you first.

BRYAN
See Ed, it’s that kind of razor-sharp sharpness that convinced us to make you the head of the Manchester Rowdies. I mean Manchester Untied, yes that’s what it’s called.

AVRAM
We don’t care about the soccer. We want to win it because then our sponsors will have the right to brand their name on the competition. Arsenal won it last year and their sponsor managed to get their name on the cup.

(Avram’s ponytail nods furiously in agreement.)

ED
I need to check. I’m calling Louis now.

(Ed dials Louis’ number on his mobile and puts it on speaker. They’re immediately put on hold and all they can hear is Mousse T’s “Horny” playing on a continual loop.)

AVRAM
I love that song!

(Avram’s ponytail does a little jig too.)

AVRAM
And so does my ponytail!

(After an eternity they finally get through. A somewhat inebriated voice booms on Woodward’s phone.)

LOUIS
Who dares disturbs my Fellaini Afro stroking, Chinese buffet sexy saxophone party?

FELLAINI
(muffled in the background):

Boss, how much longer do I have to do this?

LOUIS
You want to play, ya?

MAROUANE
Yes

LOUIS
Then you submit to the philosophy!

(Turning to his phone)

Now, who is this? If this is Custard I’m not interested in your currant buns!

ED
Umm Louis? The Woo’war’ here I just want to ask you a question.

LOUIS
Do you subscribe to the process?

ED
I suppose.

LOUIS
Then speak now and pray that I deign your question worthy of answering.

ED
Can you win the FA Cup?

LOUIS
Who do we have next?

ED
West Ham.

LOUIS
Then the answer is no.

ED
Why not?

LOUIS
Because it’s part of the process.

ED
But…

LOUIS
No buts! I shall now meditate by stroking the silky soft afro of Fellaini. Then I shall go fourth and conker…maybe.

(Louis abruptly hangs up leaving Woodward and the Glazers pondering their next move.)

BRYAN
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

AVRAM
Give Wayne Rooney another five-year contract?

JOEL
No! That’s already been signed off.

BRYAN, AVRAM, JOEL AND ED
We revive the Hair Bear Bunch and make them the official commercial partner of Fellaini.

ED
You’ve done it again Woo’War’!

BRYAN
I knew he could be monetized!

AVRAM
Well, no respectable club wants to buy him.

JOEL
So…

(The Glazers and Woodward guffaw in their own financially insulated bubble completely cut-off from the complexities and realities of the football world.

As for United and their fans, it’s only Liverpool and a two goal deficit to overturn on Thursday.)